The Daily Rant
7-20-2010
Headlines of the Future
Unemployment drops, DOW rises.
President Christy’s Reconstruction program of across the board spending cuts and sweeping reductions in personal and corporate taxes seem to be paying off. The US economy continues to run full speed ahead as Monday’s unemployment report is expected to show the 9th consecutive drop in the nation’s unemployment rate. Wall Street, expecting a new rate of 3.0 – 3.1% closed the trading day higher for the 61st day in a row. The DOW closed up 112.05 at a new record high of 15350.61 with the S&P and NASDAC also closing higher. Asian and European markets are expected to surge overnight on the renewed strength of the US economy.
Russian’s sign new Arms Treaty
The White House announced today that Secretary of State Schwarzkopf has successfully negotiated a new arms treaty with the Russians. This new treaty allows the US to retain and expand its current capabilities while the Russians have agreed to give up all weapons of mass destruction by 2016. This announcement comes as no surprise following the US Military action against Iran last week. Iran, as you know made good on its promise to attack Israel, and as a result suffered a harsh response from the Christy Administration. The Administration’s warning salvo of several hundred cruise missiles launched from Camp Victory in Iraq (also known as New Texas) has drawn harsh criticism from some Arab members of the now defunct UN. White House press secretary Glen Beck reportedly responded to the criticism by saying, “bite me!” As of this report, Iran remains covered in molten glass.
Taliban caught in a Squeeze
Head of the Joint Chiefs Ralph Bristol, affectionately known to his men as ‘Sgt. Bristol,’ again demanded the unconditional surrender of the Taliban. The rag tag remains of the Taliban find themselves trapped between advancing US forces and neighboring countries unwilling to allow them safe passage for fear of reprisal. The Christy Administration’s massive surge of 75,000 additional US troops into Afghanistan, mated with a non-stop ground and aerial bombardment has forced the Taliban into a surrender or die situation. Unofficial reports claim Sgt. Bristol is in no mood for surrender.
Gore Lawyers Appeal Again
Lawyers representing shamed former Vice President Al Gore submitted their 13th appeal for a new trial today. The High Court is expected to again reject Gore’s lawyers request due to the overwhelming evidence against him. Al Gore was convicted in 2011 on 179 counts of Fraud, Bribery, Racketeering, Perjury, and Treason. The well known ‘Global Warming’ alarmist and current record holder for the nation’s harshest jail sentence (3 thousand years at hard labor and an $8 Billion dollar fine) still maintains his claim of innocence. Gore remains on suicide watch.
Ramsey keeps slashing – Congress Approves
Infamous White House Budget Director Dave Ramsey has yet again announced another round of sweeping budget cuts. With Welfare and Medicaid now eliminated, Director Ramsey has now turned his axe towards the Federal Government itself. Amid cries from the 11 remaining Democrats in Congress, Ramsey announced the elimination of the Dept. of Labor, Energy, Transportation, Education, and the sacred cow of liberals everywhere – the National Endowment for the Arts. Ramsey’s recommendations have already received strong support from the Congressional Tea Party Caucus and are expected to easily pass both the House and Senate later this week. Ramsey, in supporting Christy’s campaign promise, is expected to go after the IRS itself early next year by proposing a simplified tax system known as the Flat Tax.
Unions Fight for Survival
The Teamsters Union today announced yet another blow to their sinking membership, as UPS workers voted to remove the once powerful Union as their labor representative. With the recent demise of the AFL-CIO and the SEIU, the once powerful Teamsters have been holding on by a thread hoping for a change in Washington. Teamster president Nancy Pelosi blamed their troubles on President Christy’s executive order banning union companies and their affiliates from State and Federal contracts. Pelosi in a statement released to the press said, “Something, something, Bush, blah blah blah, Bush, something, something.”
President Christy picks White House Pooch
In breaking with tradition President Chris Christy has chosen Bo, the previous White House dog, as the new White House dog. It seems in their haste to flee the country, Barack & Michelle Obama neglected to take Bo along with them ( as well as their kids) leaving the world’s most famous dog without even basic food and water. Bo was rescued Feb. 20th by members of the new Administration and soon became a favorite of White House staffers. Christy, a well known animal lover soon grew fond of little Bo and decided that he, like the millions of others screwed by Obama, deserved a second chance at life. According to anonymous sources, the President and First Lady have ordered a larger bed to accommodate the new family member.
EPA Rules CO2 good for the Environment
The EPA, now free from the grips of the Environmental wackos, has officially ruled that CO2 is not only NOT a pollutant, but actually good for crops, the Oceans, and the Rain Forest. EPA director and well known Global Warming skeptic Phil Valentine, much to the dismay of smelly tree huggers everywhere, made the controversial announcement at a press conference today. Unsubstantiated reports claim that Al Gore attempted to hang himself in his cell today. Former radio talk show host Phil Valentine soared to National fame in 2010 following the release of his movie “An Inconsistent Truth.”
Upcoming Midterm has remaining Dems Running for Cover.
The upcoming election has many Dems (all 11) desperately trying to defend their failed policies while at the same time distancing themselves from former President, now fugitive, Barack Obama. New Democratic Party Leader Barney Frank claims his party’s chances are good (according to someone who claims to understand him despite his annoying lisp.) GOP Chairman Michael DelGiorno refuted Frank’s statement saying, “What is he drunk?”
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I hope you have enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. The future depends on you. The American dream still has a chance, please vote conservative.
Derrick